Making Love VS Having Sex (p1)

unfinished thoughts

I’ve never enjoyed the “let’s make love” statement. Despite my definition of love being much deeper than orgasms, it usually feels like a cover up for a more primal act that my partners have wanted. Knowing that I am care taker at heart, they want to be taken care of. They want to release the tight control they normally have on life and allow me to “make love” to them. They treat their body as an object to give me as a sign of “love”. While I enjoy the gifts, gifts usually don’t reciprocate. It is within reciprocation that love lives. It’s in the shared experience and exploration where love evolves. Love is vulnerable, two sided, challenging, empathetic, and compassionate in a way that sex doesn’t have to be. Sex, with the goal of reaching orgasm is purposeful masturbation, but with a partner.

Partnered masturbation can be extremely loving and erotic, yet it requires conversation and consent up front about what each other desires to experience. Since we as individuals tend to be experts when it comes to masturbation (with our own hand(s)), this partnered act tends to need more guidance, care, and attention than just a manic rub or frantic stroke.

No one should feel embarrassed, shameful, or judged for telling their partner, “I really want you to suck on my clit until I cum and my legs shake uncontrollably.” OR “I desire to fuck you wildly from behind until I finish and can barely move.” These spoken desires don’t hide behind the angelic veil of “love making”. These shared realities don’t objectify the partner, they provide a partner context to your desires and allows them to be part of your fantasy, your immediate need. A partner that hears the sexual request and doesn’t shame or judge the other person for it, this is where love and care is. They don’t have to oblige the sexual request, but they do have to recognize your vulnerable move as a token of trust and affection.

Making love takes time, takes care, compassion, vulnerability and trust. Making love doesn’t require penetration or even orgasm, to me it is a feeling of being seen, heard, and cared for. It’s a place where I am at my realest self and am in support of my partner feeling the same way. Without holding space for each other to be, explore, and share…this type of love making is one sided and will eventually where a partner down.

I want more of both in 2023…