At times I want to write a poem because that “feels” like an easier pouring of my thoughts. When going through the process, I start to realized that I am paying too close attention to the design of my words, structure, rhythm, word choice, progression…and not enough attention to sharing my thoughts. I fear the disjointed spray of words, but here is me saying, fuck it. My writing will get better if I just commit to telling stories / thoughts sans obsessive attention to detail. Let me tell you, committing to pressing publish is difficult.
I tend to apologize for my physical/sensual/sexual needs and curiosities to myself and at times, to my wife. I am not looking for forgiveness as I believe that my feelings and needs are valid and natural, I apologize as a statement of recognition. “I’m different.” I am well aware that body awareness, sensuality, sexuality, and general feelings are taboo subjects that make others scared, uncomfortable, or angry. Writing as a man, maybe my apology is something that husbands, fathers, respectful professional males, grandpa’s do in order to avoid being labeled that perverted guy, stay away. It’s probably very similar to what women have to do in order to avoid public shaming. The negative spiral of; if she likes sex, then she must be a slut, a bad mom, broken person, raped at some point in her life, and grew up without a father. NO, no, no, no, no, no, emphatically NO! One does not equate to another! Since so many people see the world in black and white, 1 must cause 2, we apologize, hide, and push down feelings, urges, and things that make us feel alive. I hide these things because a label of “he enjoys amateur porn” is viewed as negative and overshadows all the great things that make up me. I would love it if I could share my nude drawings, stories, and nude images with friends and it was viewed as a positive trait rather than a weird one that makes them want to avoid me. I guess I apologize to protect both myself and those around me. I cannot change how we demonize people for things we fail to empathize with, so I hide and apologize when caught.
I am not flawed, I am just one of those people that are aware of their feelings and needs. I also realize that there are many more people out there like me, hiding parts of themselves because they fear being shamed for being real.
I won’t shame you.